2009 Year in Review Part III

July
July was an interesting month to say the least. You could feel the relationship between myself and my ex nearing a breaking point, yet there were still a few signs of life out of nowhere, but ultimately not enough to save it. Anyway, I'll get to that for August. So, lets have the re-cap of events. The fourth was my sister's birthday, which is always a good time. I actually got to see some fireworks this year, unlike last year, which still has me in disbelief. My girlfriend had her annual family vacation to Sunset Beach, NC. and this time I was invited along. It was a great trip. I still stand by that, too. I believe it was after I had returned that I went to the Adrian Belew Power Trio show; which was nothing short of amazing (and deafening). It was also around this time that I went for a Team Lead position in my department at work; perhaps a little ambitious for only being with the company less than a year, but I felt I was cut out for it. Those in administrative positions, however, did not.

August
Again, I only re-tread on this because it was a very impactful event...the breakup, of course. After about a total of 4 years of being together, my ex and I decided to finally call it quits. Things, I feel, may have been deteriorating as far back as Autumn of 2008. No matter how much I thought it was gonna happen eventually, it still hit me like a freight-train when it actually did. Even though it was mutual, a big part of me was just torn up; it was an immediate sense of knowing that I was giving up what was basically 90% of my life outside of work. I suppose it's only natural to feel some kind of remorse, no matter what side of the breakup you're on. I had never been through the feeling of heartbreak until this point, though; and I didn't know how to deal with it. My first reaction was to get her back; and I am thankful that she stood strong and wouldn't allow it; because I guess I always knew somewhere inside me that with all our differences, it could never have worked out in the end. It became so hard to work on the relationship, that I just couldn't work on it anymore; and that's what I believe happened to us. At some point, I just simply stopped trying because I couldn't do it anymore; yet here I was letting the relationship carry on for a long time after that. I guess it was because it just becomes easier to stay together than to separate. In such a long relationship, you almost become dependent on someone so much, that even when you know it's not right anymore, you also know that losing them means giving up a large part of yourself, too. This was especially true in this case, I think, because we were living together also. I always knew that it would be difficult to end it all, but I didn't quite move on the way I had expected to. It's the most emptiness I've ever felt. I have not had someone really close to me pass away, but if I had to describe it, that was the feeling. Sure, it was nice because friends were right there to try and pick me up. I still didn't know how to deal, because the one person I felt I could bare all my emotions to was gone. Work was a challenge for the first month or so. I had to keep focused in order to stop from breaking down. I think people had maybe noticed a bit of a personality change but didn't really know why. Some days all I could do was just "exist". I knew I was never going to be the same again, but eventually I realized that it didn't have to be a bad thing. It all starts getting better when you begin to look at what you do have, and realize that whatever the next relationship is, you've become such a stronger and smarter person from your experience that it is almost guaranteed to be more fulfilling than the last.

September
I was still trying to shake off the tidal wave of emotions and then total emptiness from the breakup. You eventually get used to coming home to an empty apartment (don't get me wrong, getting used to it does not mean it ever feels good to come home to nothing but yourself). This, however, promised to be a better month, as I was going to the U2 concert in Washington D.C. at the end of it. Unfortunately, I think it was around this time that I had started getting over everything by getting kind of angry at some of the things that were done or said in the relationship. I had felt like I finally had a grasp on why things fell apart and decided I was in a much much better place now. This was a good start to getting myself back on track. It was time to start looking toward the futue, even with it being so hard to shake off the past. And, finally, the U2 concert came. It still baffles me how one band can put on such a good show that you don't have to worry even about the darkest kinds of pain; a great escape from reality for 2 and a half hours. One of the highlights of the year.