So, what have I learned in 2009?
For the first time in a few years, I don't know if I can look back and really see any life-altering lessons that I've learned. I think there are more just things that I need to figure out and that I have not yet got a handle on enough to see if there's a lesson there or not.
1. I have a very unhealthy habit of standing in my own way. I can't even figure out what it is that makes me that way. There is so much I just want to "go for" in life and sometimes I just can't or won't push myself to do it. Then there is something about the way I think that makes me blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life. I think it's a very terrible quality to have and I really want to change it. Suggestions?
2. Always eat before a night of heavy drinking. Those who know me well enough, know this story.
Resolutions / Goals
Well, there are many things I want for 2010 and I am hoping I can accomplish most or all of them. These include, but are not limited to:
1. Focus on paying down debt - I want to be able to afford a few nice things again every once in a while, and this involves being able to put some things on credit. However, I have just enough debt to the point where I don't want to take the risk of not being able to pay bills soon, etc. I am putting myself on stricter limits and freezing my credit card spending as much as I possibly can this year in order to pay down the debt.
2. Get to bed a little earlier - This involves less time on the internet, etc. I am simply tired of going through my work week feeling like I am desperately fighting sleep just to get my job done in the morning. I don't want to have to rely on that first cup of tea every day to make me alert and focused.
3. Work toward forwarding my career aspirations - I want to develop the skills I only broke the surface of when I was in college, so I can work my way up just a little in my career life. I got my first full-time job last year and it is satisfactory. However, I can see myself growing weary after a few years, if I'm not careful. I want to fine-tune some of my skills in an effort to keep moving forward. I wouldn't mind moving up within the same company, either; as it is a great company to work for.
4. Music - As usual, I want to finish up some projects and get on stage with a band again. This is still a passion of mine and I'm not treating like one.
5. Get in shape - This one is always on the list and I do like to think I've improved in this area over the last few months as the last time I visited the doctor, I received some great news about my cholesterol reading and I owe it all to my running habits. Now, I just need to get rid of this stomach.
2009 - A year full of extreme highs and extreme lows; feeling somewhere in-between there lately. 2010 - Bring it on. I'm ready for what's next in the world of Craig.
Friday, January 8, 2010
2009 Year-in-review Pt. IV
October
Halloween month! One of my favorite times of the year. Due to my other emotional issues, it took me a little later to get around to the planning of my costume and such. So, I ended up throwing it together in about a week's time. It worked out well. I went as the Undertaker from wrestling. It was a very different Halloween experience in that once we went to downtown Kent, we went in a bar and stayed there the whole night. I don't know what to say about it. It wasn't bad, but at the same time, you didn't really get a feel for seeing all the costumes and such around town.
November
Not a whole lot to talk about regarding November. Thanksgiving was great. A lot of people in town.
December
Also, really, not much to go on about in December. There was another Pittsburgh trip that was a lot of fun and somewhat interesting. It's always a fun time to for a change of scenery and seeing a lot friends who I don't get to see much. Also, Christmas, which went over the way it always does. It was good. I went and saw Sherlock Holmes on Christmas Day and that was probably my favorite movie of 2009; well done. I have no idea if it disgraces the original Sherlock movies or the books or anything, but it was a most enjoyable film.
So, if you're wondering (if you're even reading this) why I rushed through the end of the year, well, it's like this: As you can see, it's already 2010 and I don't much care for looking back after the turn of the year. I just want to look and move forward right now. One more post about just that...looking forward.
Halloween month! One of my favorite times of the year. Due to my other emotional issues, it took me a little later to get around to the planning of my costume and such. So, I ended up throwing it together in about a week's time. It worked out well. I went as the Undertaker from wrestling. It was a very different Halloween experience in that once we went to downtown Kent, we went in a bar and stayed there the whole night. I don't know what to say about it. It wasn't bad, but at the same time, you didn't really get a feel for seeing all the costumes and such around town.
November
Not a whole lot to talk about regarding November. Thanksgiving was great. A lot of people in town.
December
Also, really, not much to go on about in December. There was another Pittsburgh trip that was a lot of fun and somewhat interesting. It's always a fun time to for a change of scenery and seeing a lot friends who I don't get to see much. Also, Christmas, which went over the way it always does. It was good. I went and saw Sherlock Holmes on Christmas Day and that was probably my favorite movie of 2009; well done. I have no idea if it disgraces the original Sherlock movies or the books or anything, but it was a most enjoyable film.
So, if you're wondering (if you're even reading this) why I rushed through the end of the year, well, it's like this: As you can see, it's already 2010 and I don't much care for looking back after the turn of the year. I just want to look and move forward right now. One more post about just that...looking forward.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2009 Year in Review Part III
July
July was an interesting month to say the least. You could feel the relationship between myself and my ex nearing a breaking point, yet there were still a few signs of life out of nowhere, but ultimately not enough to save it. Anyway, I'll get to that for August. So, lets have the re-cap of events. The fourth was my sister's birthday, which is always a good time. I actually got to see some fireworks this year, unlike last year, which still has me in disbelief. My girlfriend had her annual family vacation to Sunset Beach, NC. and this time I was invited along. It was a great trip. I still stand by that, too. I believe it was after I had returned that I went to the Adrian Belew Power Trio show; which was nothing short of amazing (and deafening). It was also around this time that I went for a Team Lead position in my department at work; perhaps a little ambitious for only being with the company less than a year, but I felt I was cut out for it. Those in administrative positions, however, did not.
August
Again, I only re-tread on this because it was a very impactful event...the breakup, of course. After about a total of 4 years of being together, my ex and I decided to finally call it quits. Things, I feel, may have been deteriorating as far back as Autumn of 2008. No matter how much I thought it was gonna happen eventually, it still hit me like a freight-train when it actually did. Even though it was mutual, a big part of me was just torn up; it was an immediate sense of knowing that I was giving up what was basically 90% of my life outside of work. I suppose it's only natural to feel some kind of remorse, no matter what side of the breakup you're on. I had never been through the feeling of heartbreak until this point, though; and I didn't know how to deal with it. My first reaction was to get her back; and I am thankful that she stood strong and wouldn't allow it; because I guess I always knew somewhere inside me that with all our differences, it could never have worked out in the end. It became so hard to work on the relationship, that I just couldn't work on it anymore; and that's what I believe happened to us. At some point, I just simply stopped trying because I couldn't do it anymore; yet here I was letting the relationship carry on for a long time after that. I guess it was because it just becomes easier to stay together than to separate. In such a long relationship, you almost become dependent on someone so much, that even when you know it's not right anymore, you also know that losing them means giving up a large part of yourself, too. This was especially true in this case, I think, because we were living together also. I always knew that it would be difficult to end it all, but I didn't quite move on the way I had expected to. It's the most emptiness I've ever felt. I have not had someone really close to me pass away, but if I had to describe it, that was the feeling. Sure, it was nice because friends were right there to try and pick me up. I still didn't know how to deal, because the one person I felt I could bare all my emotions to was gone. Work was a challenge for the first month or so. I had to keep focused in order to stop from breaking down. I think people had maybe noticed a bit of a personality change but didn't really know why. Some days all I could do was just "exist". I knew I was never going to be the same again, but eventually I realized that it didn't have to be a bad thing. It all starts getting better when you begin to look at what you do have, and realize that whatever the next relationship is, you've become such a stronger and smarter person from your experience that it is almost guaranteed to be more fulfilling than the last.
September
I was still trying to shake off the tidal wave of emotions and then total emptiness from the breakup. You eventually get used to coming home to an empty apartment (don't get me wrong, getting used to it does not mean it ever feels good to come home to nothing but yourself). This, however, promised to be a better month, as I was going to the U2 concert in Washington D.C. at the end of it. Unfortunately, I think it was around this time that I had started getting over everything by getting kind of angry at some of the things that were done or said in the relationship. I had felt like I finally had a grasp on why things fell apart and decided I was in a much much better place now. This was a good start to getting myself back on track. It was time to start looking toward the futue, even with it being so hard to shake off the past. And, finally, the U2 concert came. It still baffles me how one band can put on such a good show that you don't have to worry even about the darkest kinds of pain; a great escape from reality for 2 and a half hours. One of the highlights of the year.
July was an interesting month to say the least. You could feel the relationship between myself and my ex nearing a breaking point, yet there were still a few signs of life out of nowhere, but ultimately not enough to save it. Anyway, I'll get to that for August. So, lets have the re-cap of events. The fourth was my sister's birthday, which is always a good time. I actually got to see some fireworks this year, unlike last year, which still has me in disbelief. My girlfriend had her annual family vacation to Sunset Beach, NC. and this time I was invited along. It was a great trip. I still stand by that, too. I believe it was after I had returned that I went to the Adrian Belew Power Trio show; which was nothing short of amazing (and deafening). It was also around this time that I went for a Team Lead position in my department at work; perhaps a little ambitious for only being with the company less than a year, but I felt I was cut out for it. Those in administrative positions, however, did not.
August
Again, I only re-tread on this because it was a very impactful event...the breakup, of course. After about a total of 4 years of being together, my ex and I decided to finally call it quits. Things, I feel, may have been deteriorating as far back as Autumn of 2008. No matter how much I thought it was gonna happen eventually, it still hit me like a freight-train when it actually did. Even though it was mutual, a big part of me was just torn up; it was an immediate sense of knowing that I was giving up what was basically 90% of my life outside of work. I suppose it's only natural to feel some kind of remorse, no matter what side of the breakup you're on. I had never been through the feeling of heartbreak until this point, though; and I didn't know how to deal with it. My first reaction was to get her back; and I am thankful that she stood strong and wouldn't allow it; because I guess I always knew somewhere inside me that with all our differences, it could never have worked out in the end. It became so hard to work on the relationship, that I just couldn't work on it anymore; and that's what I believe happened to us. At some point, I just simply stopped trying because I couldn't do it anymore; yet here I was letting the relationship carry on for a long time after that. I guess it was because it just becomes easier to stay together than to separate. In such a long relationship, you almost become dependent on someone so much, that even when you know it's not right anymore, you also know that losing them means giving up a large part of yourself, too. This was especially true in this case, I think, because we were living together also. I always knew that it would be difficult to end it all, but I didn't quite move on the way I had expected to. It's the most emptiness I've ever felt. I have not had someone really close to me pass away, but if I had to describe it, that was the feeling. Sure, it was nice because friends were right there to try and pick me up. I still didn't know how to deal, because the one person I felt I could bare all my emotions to was gone. Work was a challenge for the first month or so. I had to keep focused in order to stop from breaking down. I think people had maybe noticed a bit of a personality change but didn't really know why. Some days all I could do was just "exist". I knew I was never going to be the same again, but eventually I realized that it didn't have to be a bad thing. It all starts getting better when you begin to look at what you do have, and realize that whatever the next relationship is, you've become such a stronger and smarter person from your experience that it is almost guaranteed to be more fulfilling than the last.
September
I was still trying to shake off the tidal wave of emotions and then total emptiness from the breakup. You eventually get used to coming home to an empty apartment (don't get me wrong, getting used to it does not mean it ever feels good to come home to nothing but yourself). This, however, promised to be a better month, as I was going to the U2 concert in Washington D.C. at the end of it. Unfortunately, I think it was around this time that I had started getting over everything by getting kind of angry at some of the things that were done or said in the relationship. I had felt like I finally had a grasp on why things fell apart and decided I was in a much much better place now. This was a good start to getting myself back on track. It was time to start looking toward the futue, even with it being so hard to shake off the past. And, finally, the U2 concert came. It still baffles me how one band can put on such a good show that you don't have to worry even about the darkest kinds of pain; a great escape from reality for 2 and a half hours. One of the highlights of the year.
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